I feel it too sadly. I am alone the cause of my own woe,
am I not? Truly, my own bosom contains the source of all my sorrow,
as it previously contained the source of all my pleasure. Am I not the
same being who once enjoyed an excess of happiness, who, at every step,
saw paradise open before him, and whose heart was ever expanded toward
the whole world ? And this heart is now dead , no sentiment can revive
it; my eyes are dry; and my senses, no more refreshed by the influence
of soft tears , wither and consume my brain. I suffer much , for I have
lost the only charm of life : that active, sacred power which created
worlds around me,―― it is no more. When I look from my window at the
distant hills , and behold the morning sun breaking through the mists,
and illuminating the country around , which is still wrapped in silence,
whilst the soft stream winds gently through the willows , which have
shed their leaves ; when glorious nature displays all her beauties before
me, and her wondrous prospects are ineffectual to extract one tear of
joy from my withered heart, I feel that in such a moment I stand like
a reprobate before heaven , hardened , insensible , and unmoved. Oftentimes
do I then bend my knee to the earth , and implore God for the blessing
of tears, as the desponding labourer in some scorching climate prays
for the dews of heaven to moisten his parched corn. But I feel that God
does not grant sunshine or rain to our importunate entreaties. And oh ,
those bygone days , whose memory now torments me ! why were they so
fortunate ? Because I then waited with patience for the blessings of
the Eternal , and received his gifts with the grateful feelings of a
thankful heart.
NOVEMBER 8. Charlotte has reproved me for my excesses , with so much
tenderness and goodness ! I have lately been in the habit of drinking
more wine than heretofore. "Don"t do it ," she said. "Think of Charlotte!
" "Think of you !" I answered; "need you bid me do so ? Think of you
―― I do not think of you: you are ever before my soul! This very morning
I sat on the spot where , a few days ago , you descended from the carriage,
and ――" She immediately changed the subject to prevent me from pursuing
it farther. My dear friend, my energies are all prostrated : she can
do with me what she pleases.
NOVEMBER 15. I thank you, Wilhelm, for your cordial sympathy, for
your excellent advice ; and I implore you to be quiet. Leave me to my
sufferings. In spite of my wretchedness , I have still strength enough
for endurance. I revere religion―― you know I do. I feel that it can
impart strength to the feeble and comfort to the afflicted, but does
it affect all men equally ? Consider this vast universe: you will see
thousands for whom it has never existed , thousands for whom it will
never exist , whether it be preached to them , or not ; and must it,
then, necessarily exist for me ? Does not the Son of God himself say
that they are his whom the Father has given to him? Have I been given
to him? What if the Father will retain me for himself, as my heart sometimes
suggests? I pray you , do not misinterpret this. Do not extract derision
from my harmless words. I pour out my whole soul before you. Silence were
otherwise preferable to me, but I need not shrink from a subject of which
few know more than I do myself. What is the destiny of man, but to fill
up the measure of his sufferings, and to drink his allotted cup of bitterness?
And if that same cup proved bitter to the God of heaven , under a human
form, why should I affect a foolish pride, and call it sweet?
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