―― Yes, she would become ―― and I should be" ―― and
so I pursue a chimera , till it leads me to the edge of a precipice at
which I shudder.
When I pass through the same gate , and walk along the same road
which first conducted me to Charlotte , my heart sinks within me at the
change that has since taken place. All, all, is altered ! No sentiment,
no pulsation of my heart, is the same. My sensations are such as would
occur to some departed prince whose spirit should return to visit the
superb palace which he had built in happy times , adorned with costly
magnificence, and left to a beloved son, but whose glory he should find
departed, and its halls deserted and in ruins.
SEPTEMBER 3. I sometimes cannot understand how she can love another,
how she dares love another, when I love nothing in this world so completely,
so devotedly, as I love her, when I know only her , and have no other
possession.
SEPTEMBER 4. It is even so! As nature puts on her autumn tints it
becomes autumn with me and around me. My leaves are sere and yellow ,
and the neighbouring trees are divested of their foliage. Do you remember
my writing to you about a peasant boy shortly after my arrival here ?
I have just made inquiries about him in Walheim. They say he has been
dismissed from his service, and is now avoided by every one. I met him
yesterday on the road , going to a neighbouring village. I spoke to him,
and he told me his story. It interested me exceedingly, as you will easily
understand when I repeat it to you. But why should I trouble you? Why
should I not reserve all my sorrow for myself ? Why should I continue
to give you occasion to pity and blame me ? But no matter: this also
is part of my destiny.
At first the peasant lad answered my inquiries with a sort of subdued
melancholy, which seemed to me the mark of a timid disposition ; but,
as we grew to understand each other , he spoke with less reserve , and
openly confessed his faults , and lamented his misfortune. I wish, my
dear friend , I could give proper expression to his language. He told
me with a sort of pleasurable recollection, that , after my departure,
his passion for his mistress increased daily, until at last he neither
knew what he did nor what he said , nor what was to become of him. He
could neither eat nor drink nor sleep : he felt a sense of suffocation
; he disobeyed all orders, and forgot all commands involuntarily; he
seemed as if pursued by an evil spirit, till one day , knowing that
his mistress had gone to an upper chamber , he had followed, or , rather,
been drawn after her. As she proved deaf to his entreaties, he had recourse
to violence. He knows not what happened ; but he called God to witness
that his intentions to her were honourable, and that he desired nothing
more sincerely than that they should marry, and pass their lives together.
When he had come to this point, he began to hesitate , as if there was
something which he had not courage to utter , till at length he acknowledged
with some confusion certain little confidences she had encouraged , and
liberties she had allowed. He broke off two or three times in his narration,
and assured me most earnestly that he had no wish to make her bad , as
he termed it, for he loved her still as sincerely as ever; that the
tale had never before escaped his lips, and was only now told to convince
me that he was not utterly lost and abandoned. And here , my dear friend,
I must commence the old song which you know I utter eternally. If I could
only represent the man as he stood, and stands now before me , could
I only give his true expressions, you would feel compelled to sympathise
in his fate. But enough : you, who know my misfortune and my disposition,
can easily comprehend the attraction which draws me toward every unfortunate
being , but particularly toward him whose story I have recounted.
On perusing this letter a second time , I find I have omitted the
conclusion of my tale ; but it is easily supplied. She became reserved
toward him, at the instigation of her brother who had long hated him ,
and desired his expulsion from the house, fearing that his sister"s second
marriage might deprive his children of the handsome fortune they expected
from her; as she is childless. He was dismissed at length; and the whole
affair occasioned so much scandal , that the mistress dared not take
him back, even if she had wished it. She has since hired another servant,
with whom , they say , her brother is equally displeased, and whom
she is likely to marry; but my informant assures me that he himself is
determined not to survive such a catastrophe.
This story is neither exaggerated nor embellished : indeed , I have
weakened and impaired it in the narration , by the necessity of using
the more refined expressions of society.
This love , then , this constancy , this passion , is no poetical
fiction. It is actual , and dwells in its greatest purity amongst that
class of mankind whom we term rude, uneducated. We are the educated,
not the perverted. But read this story with attention , I implore you.
I am tranquil to-day, for I have been employed upon this narration :
you see by my writing that I am not so agitated as usual. I read and re-read
this tale , Wilhelm: it is the history of your friend !
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